If you are one of the unlucky people who haven’t been able to Unfriend your high school peers, you’ll know that logging onto Facebook is a dreadful and/or absolutely hilarious experience.
Forgive my superiority complex, but leave me be while I indulge my inner noble to make jest of the Friends who ruined Facebook.
This Friend takes it upon themselves on a daily basis to provide some sort of elaborate commentary on society, normally emphasized by an intense use of CAPS LOCK and Exclamation!!! Points!!! as well as bad grammar, because this is what the world needs, 2000 words to digest before breakfast.
The Proud Parent
10 updates about how much you love your child makes us think you may have stolen your bundle of joy. Tsk Tsk.
Sure, we think your kid is cute, but we think smoking monkeys are cute too. And we only ‘like’ your statuses because, well, actually, we don’t.
Mr/Ms “Treat Your Lady Right”
If we had a Rand for every Female Self Esteem account on Facebook, we’d have fed caviar to the whole of Africa by lunch. Your fight for female empowerment would be impressive if it wasn’t so overwhelmingly insincere. Sylvia Plath is rolling in her oven right now thanks to you.
The Eternal Jock
Remember when you were denied Captaincy of the rugby team and the oke who got it rubbed it in your face by showing the team how many victory laps he could do at 40km/h?
Yes, well he’s back, he’s on Facebook, and he’s here to make you feel like the skinny geek tweeting live scores on his incredible game. His updates remind you that:
- You’ll never land the pretty blonde in his profile picture.
- No matter how many supplements you take, his guns will always be bigger than yours.
- You may be a Social Media Guru, but he has a good 10k followers more than you, because bitches love jaw lines.
The Emoticon Queen
She comments on EVERYTHING, and when she does, she’s got an emoticon for every second sentence.
Never before has a murder suicide seemed so apt.
The Lyric Thief
This Friend is seemingly incapable of expressing themselves with ordinary words and treat Facebook like an episode of Glee.
The Twittering Facebooker
Facebook, is for oversharing. Twitter, is for limited sharing. For the love of God, don’t integrate the two. Your 50+ @mentions do #Nothing for me on #Facebook. #JustSaying.
The Despaired One
This Friend updates their timeline with the deepest, darkest, depressive statuses. We recommend a Suicide Hotline. How many ‘likes’ does it take to stop a suicide again.
Facebook’s Next Worst Model
How many angles have you got? One you say? Oh, I see you.
So if you ever feel like you’re the lamest person in the world, don’t despair, take a look at your Facebook Friends and remember that they will always be lamer than you.
(NB: The exception to this rule is The Jock, he will be cooler than you for all eternity)