Facebook, Uncategorized

How Not To Facebook

If you are one of the unlucky people who haven’t been able to Unfriend your high school peers, you’ll know that logging onto Facebook is a dreadful and/or absolutely hilarious experience.

Forgive my superiority complex, but leave me be while I indulge my inner noble to make jest of the Friends who ruined Facebook.

The Essayist

This Friend takes it upon themselves on a daily basis to provide some sort of elaborate commentary on society, normally emphasized by an intense use of CAPS LOCK and Exclamation!!! Points!!! as well as bad grammar, because this is what the world needs, 2000 words to digest before breakfast.

The Proud Parent

10 updates about how much you love your child makes us think you may have stolen your bundle of joy. Tsk Tsk.

Sure, we think your kid is cute, but we think smoking monkeys are cute too. And we only ‘like’ your statuses because, well, actually, we don’t.

proud parent

Mr/Ms “Treat Your Lady Right”

If we had a Rand for every Female Self Esteem account on Facebook, we’d have fed caviar to the whole of Africa by lunch. Your fight for female empowerment would be impressive if it wasn’t so overwhelmingly insincere. Sylvia Plath is rolling in her oven right now thanks to you.

treat her right

The Eternal Jock

Remember when you were denied Captaincy of the rugby team and the oke who got it rubbed it in your face by showing the team how many victory laps he could do at 40km/h?

Yes, well he’s back, he’s on Facebook, and he’s here to make you feel like the skinny geek tweeting live scores on his incredible game. His updates remind you that:

  1. You’ll never land the pretty blonde in his profile picture.
  2. No matter how many supplements you take, his guns will always be bigger than yours.
  3. You may be a Social Media Guru, but he has a good 10k followers more than you, because bitches love jaw lines.

eternal jock

The Emoticon Queen

She comments on EVERYTHING, and when she does, she’s got an emoticon for every second sentence.

Never before has a murder suicide seemed so apt.

emoticon queen

The Lyric Thief

This Friend is seemingly incapable of expressing themselves with ordinary words and treat Facebook like an episode of Glee.

lyric thief

The Twittering Facebooker

Facebook, is for oversharing. Twitter, is for limited sharing. For the love of God, don’t integrate the two. Your 50+ @mentions do #Nothing for me on #Facebook. #JustSaying.

twittering facebooker

The Despaired One

This Friend updates their timeline with the deepest, darkest, depressive statuses. We recommend a Suicide Hotline. How many ‘likes’ does it take to stop a suicide again.


Facebook’s Next Worst Model

How many angles have you got? One you say? Oh, I see you.

facebooks next top model

So if you ever feel like you’re the lamest person in the world, don’t despair, take a look at your Facebook Friends and remember that they will always be lamer than you.

(NB: The exception to this rule is The Jock, he will be cooler than you for all eternity)


4 thoughts on “How Not To Facebook

  1. me says:

    Hi, you have a picture of my friend Nik here. You are not allowed to just use peoples images like this without permission. Especially in a post that aims to drag them like this and hurt their derogate them. We will be talking this further if this is not removed as soon as possible. Also, you are not guru in SM. ll you do is slander brands and shit on all things PR and SM. Surely not the way to go if you are trying to build your brand. Don;t burn bridges. Life does not just stop at SDK. Consider that in your next post.

  2. me says:

    I am even making typos the way i am so angry and left with a bitter taste in my mouth after reading this blog. Sad to see that SM is such a i am better than you game. Pay your dues first. Ms Guru!

    • hey there, and thanks for the fuelled comment. this post, like countless others on my many blogs, aims at poking fun at the way we interact on social, and in life in general.

      I am sorry if parts or the post as a whole offended you, and I’ll be replacing Nik’s pics with my own selfies (because that’s the kind of Facebooker I am guilty of being).

      with everything I do, and if you know me well enough, you’d understand that I am very sceptical, very light hearted and very sarcastic. you happen to be the only person offended.

      for the record, I included Nik because his selfie game is on point, not because I wanted to drag him down. There are countless others on my timeline that I could have used, but none of them take selfies that are any good anyway.

      so, I’d like you to know that I have never declared myself Social Media Guru, so don’t make me blush, I make fun of everyone, including myself, so don’t be too offended and lastly, thanks for letting me know that you don’t approve, the pics will be replaced with my own fabulous selfies tomorrow.

      ps. I may work for SDK, but my opinions are my own.

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